For his happiness
by iridescent-ren
Summary: Kuro like a lot of things about Mahiru, there was the way Mahiru smiled at him, the way Mahiru made him felt like he mattered or maybe it was the way Mahiru saved him again and again every day without even realizing. It didn't take him long to realize that those weren't things he liked about Mahiru, that those were things he loved about Mahiru. Tw; Depression and self harm


Kuro like a lot of things about Mahiru, there was the way Mahiru smiled at him, the way Mahiru made him felt like he mattered or maybe it was the way Mahiru saved him again and again every day without even realizing. It didn't take him long to realize that those weren't things he liked about Mahiru, that those were things he loved about Mahiru.

He was holding onto a slither of hope, that maybe Mahiru felt the same way. He was always so kind, and he always accepted Kuro no matter what. Surely that meant something? Or maybe it was Kuro's delusional thinking, but either way he wanted Mahiru to know.

Mahiru had no idea, he had no idea how every night demons inside his mind would scratch and crawl around, screaming at him the never ending mantra. Mahiru hates you, You don't deserve him, Why even bother?, Wouldn't everything be better if you were dead? Mahiru had no idea how often he would look at a sharp object and feel a tugging at his chest.

But he also had no idea how he helped, how he would turn into a cat and crawl into Mahiru's bed would tug at his chest in a different nicer way, a way he could get used to. Mahiru gave him a new mantra to repeat, something else to think about. You're not alone, I'm here with you, it'll be okay, wouldn't everyone be sad if you died? Wouldn't Mahiru miss you?

He sat perched upon Mahiru's shoulder, letting out a content soft sigh as Mahiru walked to school with the sun shining through the clouds. He could hear a small hum escaping Mahiru's lips, a happy and soft melody that Kuro had grown to like. Just another thing he loved about his Eve.

Kuro jumped inside his open backpack as they approached the school, curling up amongst Mahiru's books and preparing for a long nap while Mahiru was in class like he usually did. Class would go by quickly, and as he always did Mahiru took him out of the stuffy bag at lunch to put him on the desk.

"Want some food?" Mahiru offered happily, handing the cat a handmade egg roll.

Kuro knew he couldn't talk back so he happily let Mahiru feed him the egg roll, chewing it quietly while he girls flocked and swarmed around him giving him lots of different food. He would be lying if he said he didn't like the attention, but nothing they made ever seemed to taste as good as Mahiru's food.

Soon he was back in the bag, Mahiru left him a coke inside the bag to make up for how bad he felt for stuffing Kuro in the bag all the time. Kuro didn't really mind it, it meant more sleep while still being with Mahiru. He fell asleep quickly in the backpack, until the blaring sound of the bell woke him. Strangely Mahiru hadn't taken him out of the bag, even though he usually did it straight away after school.

He felt the shift in the backpack as Mahiru stood up and seemingly walked up stairs, upstairs was not the way to their house. He pawed and meowed until Mahiru stopped to open the bag for him.

"What wrong Kuro?" Mahiru asked letting Kuro sit on his shoulder like usual,

"Where are you going… don't tell me joined a club" Kuro whined, although it didn't seem to be the case as Mahiru continued passing floor by floor.

"It's.. Complicated" Mahiru said nervously, not looking at Kuro.

Then Kuro realized where he was heading, the roof. But why? At least if they were alone there would be a nice view, maybe even a chance for Kuro to confess… or maybe Mahiru was even thinking about confessing to him? The thought made happiness swell up in his chest, happiness he hadn't felt so much of in a long time.

However his thoughts were interrupted as they reached the roof, Mahiru put the confused cat back in his bag and walked over. Kuro could clearly hear the conversation through the light walls of the bag, he listened in to what sounded like a girl's voice.

"Ah! Mahiru you came" the unknown voice said happily,

"of course I did! There is… something I want to tell you too, may I go first?" Mahiru replied, in a soft voice, the same soft voice he would use to hum those happy melodies in the mornings.

Kuro's heart slowly started dropping, as his heart rate went up. No.. No this wasn't meant to happen, there's no way he meant-

"I love you, will you go out with me?"

He felt his heart stop in his chest, his limbs and body going numb, numb enough that he couldn't feel the tears streaming down his cheeks. He should have seen that coming right? What chance did he ever stand? Mahiru deserved much better… so why did it still hurt so much, why did it still feel like his whole world was crashing down.

"I… I would love too! I love you too Mahiru" Kuro felt the girl hugging Mahiru, he knew because she also squashed his backpack where he resided.

"Ah careful! There's some precious stuff in there" Mahiru said before letting out a happy bubbly laugh, a laugh that Kuro had never heard.

"Sorry sorry~ I just realllly love you" whoever it was, Kuro didn't care for her name, said with a light hearted voice.

Kuro used his paws to block out the rest, he didn't want to hear the rest, he couldn't hear the rest. He wanted Mahiru to be happy… he wanted Mahiru to be happy, this was for Mahiru's happiness. That's what he told himself. He didn't even notice when the girl left and they parted ways, Mahiru walking home with a skip in his step. By the time he took Kuro out of the bag the tears had dried, leaving small wet stains on the full coke can Mahiru had left him.

"Did you hear that Kuro?! She likes me! I'm going out with her! This is amazing, I mean she's so beautiful, and her voice is so cute! She's always so kind and shy, always helping others" Mahiru ranted, quickly getting home and jumping on his bed with joy, getting out his phone to text her.

Kuro simply nodded to everything he said, biting back the tears and the hurt that was just waiting to spill. Mahiru looked so lost in his own world while texting her, a large smile on his face, he didn't even notice as Kuro turned into a human and entered the bathroom letting out a tiny sob.

This was for Mahiru's happiness. This was for Mahiru's happiness. Mahiru didn't even notice how long he had been in there, until he came out of his bedroom to say

"Kuro! We're going out for dinner tonight, it would be weird to bring your cat on a date and we won't be long! Make yourself some ramen or something" Mahiru called out into the apartment, rushing out the door.

Kuro gave a deep sigh, leaving the bathroom to go into the kitchen, only to find there was no ramen left. The perfect combination, hungry and heart broken. For some reason.. He didn't feel like sleeping in his cat bed in Mahiru's room that night, so he got a thin blanket and tried to fall asleep on the couch.

That was when the dark thoughts started coming. Mahiru came back at some point later, going straight to bed. Kuro felt the urges coming back, stronger than they ever had before. Screaming and screaming, thrashing around in his head while he appeared to be silent. He put his hands over his ears, but nothing stopped it.

He turned into a cat and ran into Mahiru's bedroom, crawling under the covers of Mahiru's bed. It was warm, safe, like it always was. He wanted Mahiru to pet him like he always did, and smile at him to chase all the demons away. Instead, he simply got the cold hard floor.

"Go get your own bed you vampire" Mahiru said rolling his eyes

Huh…? That's not…?

"It's kinda weird for you to do that now since you can turn into a human, and I have a girlfriend now.." Mahiru said, saying the last part to himself happily as if he was still getting used to that fact.

Oh… Kuro couldn't bring himself to move, he was tired, in more ways than just physically and ended up falling asleep on the spot. The morning came, and things looked like they went back to normal, Mahiru grabbed breakfast for himself and Kuro and headed out the door, humming that same happy tune but much louder than before.

Kuro decided he wanted to see what the girl was like, no matter how it hurt him, no matter how much it would destroy him, he wanted to make sure at least that she was nice. He didn't fall asleep in Mahiru's backpack that day, paying attention his conversations more than usual.

He found out more than he wanted to. He found out how Mahiru talked to his classmates, he talked to them just like he talked to Kuro. Kuro wasn't… special… he wasn't treated with more softness than anyone else, the sides of Mahiru he thought were just for him, even strangers from other classes had seen. He thought, maybe not romantically, but maybe he meant a lot to Mahiru and that maybe he was treated specially.

More and more was going down the drain. If anything, he treated his classmates with more kindness than he did with Kuro. He regretted staying awake, he regretted finding out more. And when he heard that girl give Mahiru a kiss on the nose, and the combined melody of their happy laughs he could only imagine the bright smile on Mahiru's face. He regretted it even more, if that was even possible.

At lunch Kuro heard Mahiru talking to his friends, until one of them said 'hey, where's Kuro?' and then Mahiru's reply broke his heart more than it was.

"Ah Kuro! Right!" One by one his standards were breaking, even if he wasn't important to Mahiru at least he was at the same level as his classmates? Maybe not even that, he was forgotten.

"Sorry buddy, I've just been busy" Mahiru said taking him out and ruffling his hair.

Today.. There was no food from Mahiru, he wasn't hungry, there was plenty of food from the girls. It was because of her… Mahiru had been so distracted and happy, he had forgotten to make Kuro the small bit of lunch he always did, that or he deemed it unimportant because of all the other food Kuro got.

Kuro gave up, he slowly dragged his feet over and fell into the back pack, zipping it up and curling up in a ball. He felt alone. He was in a large classroom surrounded by people, even his eve. But he felt alone.

It was stupid, it was really stupid. The day went by infuriatingly slow, every passing second another torturous marathon. By the time he got home he left for the bathroom, putting his back against the door and sliding down to the floor. He put his head in his knees, there was no more tears left to shed.

He didn't even realize it had become 3am, Mahiru hadn't come to get him for dinner. He was probably out again, probably out thinking Kuro had ramen in the cupboards to eat. He got up and turned on the small light near the door, taking a small silver blade from his pocket and getting it out as he stood in front of the sink.

He ran the cool silver across his outstretched wrist, as they say old habits never die. One cut, two cut, three cut, four. That was when he heard Mahiru's voice.

"Kuro? Where are you, I just realized there's no ramen left I'm so sorry" an apologetic voice called out, noticing Kuro wasn't on the couch or in his cat bed.

Kuro waited a second for his wounds to heal, before pulling his sleeves down and walking out, "Yeah it's okay… don't worry" he said yawning.

"I'll get some more tomorrow, and I'll make you a proper meal to make up for it" Mahiru said smiling with a lopsided grin, he was clearly exhausted.

Kuro sighed, helping him back into bed and lifting the sheets over the already asleep Mahiru. It looked like it was going to be this way for a while. Just when he thought he was done, Mahiru always did something that brought him running back. He wouldn't bother Mahiru with his problems.. Mahiru was happy, that was all that mattered. For Mahiru's happiness, for Mahiru's happiness.

For Mahiru's happiness, he would suffer in silence.


End file.
